I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
