woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
