Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
