your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
