Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
