Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
