my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
