PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
