He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
