What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Text me some of your sweat
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
