im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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