I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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