so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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