You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
operation have a gay friend backfired
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
