The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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