im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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