I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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