The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
