I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
