let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
