Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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