My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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