Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
