I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
