I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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