Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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