You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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