Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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