There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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