I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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