He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
