It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
