Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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