i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
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