Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
