I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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