I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
