So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize