My boss' voice literally gives me gas
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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