I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
