yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
