she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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