Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My dick has a subreddit
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
