You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
