its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
