and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
