Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
