I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
