closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
