I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
