I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
