Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
