I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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