This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
